Amateur (3) Hour(s)

I love the Oscars. Maybe this is pathetic, but I really get into the fashion, I get excited to see who wins what, and I've always thought it'd be amazing to be an actor and win an Academy Award. Perhaps I've even practiced my acceptance speech several times. Or hundreds of times.

This adoration of that life carries over to magazines like Us Weekly and People. I will say I never buy that stuff ... but when Jennie brings home old copies from her mom's house, I read them all voraciously. This might be one of my most embarrassing attributes, which is saying something if you know any of my attributes.

But it's a love/hate thing with the Oscars, because I also despise the self-serving atmosphere of that night and the painful acceptance speeches. Last night's winners were especially dreadful with their rambling, the thanking of their agents/attorneys/handlers, the feigned surprise at winning (Chris Rock, in his opening monologue several years ago, said some actors should win an Emmy at the Oscars for their astonished looks when they win).

Can these people, when they accept their awards, not come up with something clever/entertaining/poignant? Every now and again, some of them do (Colin Firth's speech last night was pretty good, while Hugh Laurie has provided two very funny speeches at recent awards shows. These are must-sees (Rayo, you'll giggle profusely) and I've posted both of them.

Laurie even gives, in his second speech, an idea for us, Rayo: we should write acceptance speeches for every nominee. Perhaps my next blog entry will be an acceptance speech that a recent winner should have given.

More than those usual annoyances, though, were the hosts, James Franco and Anne Hathaway. Look, I teach English, and yet I'm not sure I can think of the best word to describe their performance. If I listed everything that annoyed me about them, this blog would take you longer to read than the actual Oscars, so I'll whittle it down to a few observations:

1. The opening monologue (after the taped portion) was filled with jokes that didn't even approach funny. How does this happen? Who is responsible for writing jokes that will be seen by hundreds of millions of people?

2. If Anne Hathaway went to high school, my guess is everyone hated her. She was so over-the-top dramatic about everything, especially when she would introduce various presenters. She acted like some starstruck 14-year-old, which would have been okay, but she by no means appeared genuine in her infatuation with her fellow actors.

3. Every time James Franco introduced someone, as he would finish talking, he'd close his eyes and slowly move his head toward the location of the person he was introducing. Every. Single. Time. Reminded me of Reds announcer Jeff Brantley, who also, when he is talking to a fellow announcer and finishes making a point, closes his eyes and slowly turns to the camera.

4. After Franco and Hathaway would introduce a presenter, they would immediately start clapping, as would the audience. The problem: whoever was in charge of turning off their microphone never turned it off, so you'd hear the audience clapping, but also the singular clapping of Franco and Hathaway over the audience, as if there were only two people clapping. If you can't picture what it sounded like, imagine being at a Cleveland Indians home game in the 1970s/'80s (or for that matter, recently).

Rayo, I know how you feel about the Oscars. You have nary a care in the world for them. I'm even betting you have no idea who James Franco and Anne Hathaway are. But hey, that's all right. It's cool that you don't really care about all of this. At least, since I know you don't watch the Oscars, you won't ever be disappointed when I don't mention you in my acceptance speech some day.